Sanitary Napkin

What's the best way to keep the virgin Mary's hymen intact?

2006-01-05T02:33:00.000-05:00

Fuck her in the ass.

The True Me

2006-01-03T23:16:00.000-05:00

Now that no one is listening I can finaly say what I feel. I love kittens. And puppies. I love long walks on the beach with no anal sex involved.

Don't get me wrong though, I still laugh at crack babies and would never turn down a long walk on the beach with the anal sex, its just that I love puppies too.

I Hate Sanitary Napkin.

2005-12-12T04:24:00.000-05:00

A long time ago I discovered something. I was writing my mid-term reflection paper and it occurred to me that I hate blogging and even more so Sanitary Napkin. I don't really know what it is about blogging that I hate. I think it is that is has something to do with stupid people writing stupid things but that might not be the case. I think my haltered for blogging has evolved. No longer am I afraid, I will only use blogger for what it is meant to be used for. Pure evil.

So since I am the only person posting right now. I guess I control the blog. Complete freedom, is sweet, but I have a plan. Systematically eliminating bloggers is my new game. I will review a blogger, delve deep into their life and then rip their very essence out when I finally give bloggers what they deserve. An ass-whoopin' and curb-stompin'.

So with my last few posts of this Very-Sanitary Napkin Christmas, I am going to tear apart the red-headed step-children of this site and end all of their blogging careers.

Steve Perry's Hit List:

Look forward to a furry of posts attacking these shallow-crack-heads. They aren't funny, they stopped trying, and now they should have to pay for it. First up: Patty Duke.

P.S.
I know I haven’t been the best poster recently. But I’m busy; being god is hard to do. So forgive me for what I haven't done, I'll make up for it, just watch... Here are my posts: In the order I decided, notice the time stamps.

Patty Duke is The Sucks

2005-12-12T04:23:00.000-05:00

To be fair, Patty Duke is the least shitty poster in the bunch of us. But he is still un-doubted "The Sucks". He's a drunken fool who has delusions of grandeur, and worst yet those delusions exist in the "blog-o-sphere". He wishes to be an internet god. How pathetic can one man be? Do you really need attention that much that you need to have a site devoted to your stupid musings about your mediocre life? I hope not, and I pray that you at least some day can grow up and move away from the computerized world, and talk to a live girl.

And when I say a live girl, I don't mean one you paid or your mother. Speaking of which, how is your mother, Patty Duke. Last time I saw her she was eating doughnuts off your father's hairy back while penetrating his anus with a strap-on dildo. The situation would have been a lot crazier had it not been for the tri-pod, luckily we captured it all on film, and yes she still does enjoy anal as well, but she could stop eating doughnuts for a while.

But, your mother aside, Patty Duke, how can you stand to live? You try to make fun of our readers, and this may come as a surprise to you, but you read the site, probably more than anyone else. You are the reader that doesn't get it. We aren't "spiting out random misogynist, racist, ignorant garbage (think "cuntpit")", maybe you are, but that is why you aren't funny. Your satire vaguely makes me recall a little thing called the Holocaust. And your use of obscenity is like similar to Ol' Dirty Bastard's but only after he was raped in prison and had false teeth. Over all, if I had the choice, I would end your reign as the current "The Sucks" but only to take joy in gutting your entire extended family and bring an end to the pain that you have caused by your general lack of ability at life.

"BoardH Breaks the Glass Ceiling" lmao

2005-12-12T04:22:00.000-05:00

For a girl to write for Sanitary Napkin is like a Jew for Jesus, wait they have those, well we have a girl too. So I guess it makes sense because they both work in practice. But to be honest, I don't like "Jews for Jesus" and I bet Jews don't like Jesus” and I bet all the parties involved, including the "Jews for Jesus" hate BoardH. As Sanitary Napkin's only female posters, it wasn't long before she would have an emotional break down. At first, the ranks of Sanitary Napkin's minions hated her as well and times were good.
But then the end of those times came when BoardH posted a picture of herself. She woo-ed our minions who were freshly trained in the art of misogyny but had any of those readers actually spent a night with a girl they would have seen through her lies. Needless to say, I had to kill most the minions for their disobedience, but the ones that remained were transformed into eunuch to purify their minds. I don't know what happened to that group of minions but we got new readers, better readers. Wait. No we didn't
And it all BoardH's fault. There are two clear time periods: BG (Before Girl) and AG (Anno Girlie-o) which translates into the year of the girlie-o. The readers we want won't believe that we think all abortions should be done with coat hangers if the next post down is like this direct quote from "B-O"ardH, "Like, like, I totally, like went to the mall and they didn't have my size at Sears so I ate three candles and they totally were like that isn't food, and I was like duh. I know that. I couldn't be anorexic if I ate food. OMG lmao lololo(teh)loller skates !!!1!1eleventy..." It goes on, but the sheer mind numbing awfulness of it all has me concerned that if I accidentally read one of her posts I may become susceptible to aneurysms and have to carve the demons out of skull.
But really, I don't hate BoardH because she is a girl (girls are stupid BTW). I hate BoardH because she is bad at Napkining. She has no place here. Her last two posts had grand total of 23 words in them. I'm not saying minimalism can't be funny, but linking to a New Yorker cartoon is the definition of shitty. First off,’ The New Yorker, ah yes. The New Yorker' sucks. And the cartoons they print make Christian-value-based "Family Circus" look like Bob Saget's stand up post the 5 year drug binge caused by Full House.
The point is. BoardH just doesn't belong on Sanitary Napkin. If humor were like cancer, BoardH would be fresh out of chemo. There is probably something left, but not enough for anyone to care about. Her posts only drove away fledgling recruits that I could have used to build my army to spread havoc through out the land. But no, females get to have some basic human rights in this country so here is an idea for you, BoardH, go out to the woods, cover yourself in honey and then find a bear cub to play with. The mother-bear should do the rest. But I have to go; the idea of her mauling reminded me that I need to get those hostages out of the cave.

Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic and DW have butt sex

2005-12-12T04:21:00.000-05:00

There is one thing I hate more than stupid people like Patty Duke, or girls like BoardH, and it is a man who puts his wanger in another man hanger. Now as a rule, I don't normally expose my homophobia to public but what I witnessed ruined my perception of man-kind, and the majority of my group. I wish I could forget that night but since then it has hunted me and every time I close my eyes I realize that the rusty trombone is a very real thing.
One late night at the Casa-De-La Napkin-o I was hard at work perfecting a post... I guess you could say I fell asleep after the Chinese buffet lunch, and didn't wake up to leave at five, but over time is overtime and it was 7:15. I was heading to clock out but went back into the office to check out all the noise coming from inside. From where I was walking I could see two figures inside. Now, I don't want to say anything that I'm not sure of so I will take a cue from Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic and post this poll:

If by this point you can't figure out what I saw, search lemon party in google and find out. I don't link to site itself, it would just be obscene. Anywho, I saw what I saw. And DW and Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic have serious emotional issues. I mean you just don't do some things with honey roasted peanuts.
Now, had I left work early like I normally do, I would not be writing this. But what I saw, changed my world. I support George W. Bush. I vote pro-life. I kill the food I eat. I sell propane and propane accessories on the side (Sanitary Napkin doesn't pay bills). And I am against gay marriage because I am not a tolerant or rational human being. Seeing those two chunks of day-glo-white flabby flesh slapping against each other in a moment in unison of thrusting motions made me die a little on the inside. I saw the gates of hell, and contained behind them was something more awful than the sight before me. Hell was our blog, but it was run by ambiguously gay duo of Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic and DW, and to say anything more could be too much to handle.

I am the best

2005-12-12T04:20:00.000-05:00

I rule!

No seriously, I am the man. The world revolves around me. But that is a problem you see? Because I post on this blog and for that I am a huge douche. I know it is somewhat contradictory, but seriously you can't be cool if you have a blog. Look at Maddox, he kind of had a blog, but now he doesn't care. He is writing a book, a real medium. Blogs are for failed writers who need to feel some more self-important so that they don't actually man up and kill themselves for having wasted lives.
But I digress. If there was a vote for worst poster on Sanitary Napkin, I should probably win it. Don't get me wrong, I am still way better than all the other posters. They just tried way harder than me. I mean honestly, who cares what they have to say. The sad thing is that they had time for blogging. I did not. This is clearly why they are not people. People who can find the free time to write their random thoughts down should be shot on sight and their bodies should be thrown in a mass-genocidal rage ending blogs.
As a final note, the irony of it all is too much to bear. I can no longer go on writing on a blog about how god-awful blogs are. They are not good. They are hurting America, and the only way to stop them is REVOLTION! Many will die, yes, but the freedom to think for yourself would be given to millions of idiots that read the shit that spews from the "blog-o-sphere" everyday. Here is a clue for them, just because it is written, doesn't mean it is true. Fuck it. I'm going to kill my self. People are too dumb. But I'm pretty fucking sweet still.

Hemingway here I come...

NyQuil

2005-12-11T14:39:00.000-05:00

rrrnhhhh.....

2005-12-10T04:17:00.000-05:00

I'm way wy too drunk to post nyhitng cool, so here goes
"Hey look, your ramen noodles comes with a free bunch of hair."
-My roommate
"Hey, you ever watch two angry beavers?"
-Same roommate

Poetry

2005-12-08T23:26:00.000-05:00

Although Sanitary Napkin has been pillar of the literary community, I believe we have been neglecting something, poetry. With that in mind I post a poem I wrote for Deviant Brewery advertising their new IPA, I Prefer Anal.

If she
Takes a swig
And your Twig
Ain’t too big
She might let you stick it
Where Mexicans keep their cocaine

Semester is over.

2005-12-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

After 14 weeks of blogposts that have upset, saddened, and infuriated me, the semester is finally over. What happened on this blog is not okay, and the students who participated in the misogonistic posts should be ashamed of themselves. In an academic setting, I would hope that people would have more respect. Unfortunately, this is not how it's turned out. I'm disappointed, but not discouraged.

Duck and cover, boys.

Winter

2005-12-08T12:39:00.000-05:00

Thank God for The New Yorker cartoonists.

Link

Christmas

2005-12-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

This may be the best representation of holiday spirit I have ever seen!

Quote of the year

2005-12-08T11:00:00.000-05:00

Two quotes from our beloved Capital Hill couples...

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska

"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them." —Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the Hurricane Katrina evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston

For more inspiring quotes go to About.com

After a whole semester, you still don't get it.

2005-12-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

This is the last time I'm explaining this. Here at Sanitary Napkin, we're a bunch of dicks! We just spit out random mysoginist, racist, ignorant garbage(think "cuntpit") that we think of while we're waiting for streaming porno to load. If you don't like it, go to a fucking news blog. Nothing here is intented to start or stop any wars. We're gonna change the world by making a few drunk frat guys die of laughter (not alcohol poisoning, I had no idea that they were funneling liquor, and my lawyer says there's no way you can prove that.) With that in mind, please stop leaving comments about how we used improper grammer in our posts, or about how you think we're racist, mysoginist, or ignorant. We know that we are the things you said we are. Just leave a post saying "I'm offended" and stop wasting space on my baby. But please leave that post, because everytime one of you gets offended, I grow a little inside of my gonnorrhea infected member.

And PS, I will continue to post after the semester ends. Sanitary Napkin Forever!

Liquor Store Prophet

2005-12-06T00:49:00.000-05:00

While filling out a raffle ticket for a kayak he asked, “Is it the lie we commit or the lie that commits us?”

I was deep in thought, considering swapping a Long Trail Double Bag bomber for a second Trail Cutter, “Huh?”

“Must I put Red Hook as my favorite beer if I am to win the glorious prize? To tell the lie the truth asks us to commit, can it be done?”

The raffle tickets asked for your favorite beer but it was sponsored by Red Hook. “I sure as hell hope they don’t throw your ticket out if you don’t like Red Hook.”

“But if it is the lie requested then it is the truth indeed.” He rummaged through his bag then looked up at me as if I had taken something.

“Write whatever you want, you’re probably not going to win anyway.”

“Ah, but…” he neatly wrote in his favorite beer then triumphantly showed me his ticket, he wrote ‘Imported Beer’.

“Dude, that doesn’t solve anything, Red Hook’s domestic.”

He ripped the box when he shoved his ticket in. “The Old Testament tells us, make a place outside of God and government, do this for freedom.” I furrowed my brow. “A place, for freedom, in yourself.”

I gave him a look that tried to say “Sure, ya, I follow. Now leave me alone.”

“They used to teach the Old Testament and call you educated, now, now.” He shook his head the rest of the time we were in line and refused to look at me, which was fine by me.

Dressing for the holidays

2005-12-05T14:42:00.000-05:00

Christmas sweaters and the application of felt or crocheted animals has always exemplified the holiday spirited. To show just how much Jesus's birthday means to you, don a festive knitted work of art. Extra points for wearing a sweater like the red one which includes a KKK uniformed reveler.

Butterface Contest

2005-12-04T22:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, I have to do this project where we tell a story with some pictures in it, and I've been on webshots alot looking for photos of people on vacation. This girl is some kind of exhibitionist, so she puts this picture on the site. I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT. It's the best butterface picture I've ever seen. Plus, the dollar bill is a little too high and you can totally see her snatch. Who the fuck puts this stuff on the internet for all to see? I thought you couldn't put nudity on webshots. If anybody can send in a picture that is better than this, I'd love to see it. This girl's face makes me laugh so hard! Look at the rest of the pictures in her album. It's like stalking, just a little less satisfying. http://community.webshots.com/photo/406380668/406404693tTKGNF

That's not what fat people's feet look like.

2005-12-04T20:35:00.000-05:00

When I was a kid, and I went to the beach with my family, I would always stomp as I walked in the sand. My idea was that someone would see my footprints later and say "Wow, that guy must've been really fat."
I recently found out that this is not the case. Fat people's feet are shaped differently than people of a healthy weight. You can imagine how devastating this was for me. Years of hard work down the drain. Anyway, fat people have no arches in their footprint, because their arch collapses after years of holding up all of that fat.
So now, when I go to the beach, I have to smooth out every arch with my heel. It takes me forever to get anywhere. But everybody thinks I'm really fat.

How NOT to pick up a girl at a bar...

2005-12-04T17:42:00.000-05:00

For all the men who bank on their suaveness at the bar to successfully pick up women, here are some tips to better your strategies:
-Don't tie your down jacket around your waist. Spring for the coat check. Women look great with hips, men definitely do not.
-Do not stand on the dance floor flapping your arms-that does not constitute as dancing. Get in or get out.
-Yes, the stereotypes about "girly" drinks still hold true...unless you plan to leave alone, don't sip your pink drink through a straw.
-Tight black t-shirt screams ex-con with VD-Not a turn-on!
-Even if we make $0.75 to your $1.00, we'll still buy our own drinks, thank you. We know all too well that this is the decade of the roofie.
-Lastly, no need to compliment us on our bodies. You've been drinking and for all we know every woman could look like Halle Barry in your inebriated state.

ATHF

2005-11-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

I scabbed it from Aqua Teen...but if you call my voice mail heres what you get:

This is Carl. Leave me a message or.. a.. leave me alone. Either way, I don't care. Unless this is Mom...in which case, happy Mother's Day.

Clingers

2005-11-30T16:37:00.000-05:00

Recently, an acquaintance of mine was struck by the worst of viruses: a Clinger. After an epic night of beer pong, he retired to our common room couch and proceeded to get his so called 'freak on' with some girl an unconfirmed 3 times. Now, he can't get rid of her which is most unfortunate (though funny for the rest of us). I've taken the liberty of devising a clinger scale and an accompanying solution for said clinger.

Mild Clinger: Conventional assholedom should be sufficient to ditch her. Not returning her calls and hitting on her friends should fit the bill.

Moderate Clinger: You'll have to draw this one in a little closer to get rid of her. I'd suggest letting her give you a hand job, and as you're ready to ejaculate yell THAR SHE BLOWS as loud as you can. She'll be off like a race horse.

Heavy Clinger: Pretty much the same as the moderate, but instead you're going to have to escalate to a Donkey Punch or a Dirty Sanchez.

Severe Clinger: Anal penetration while on a poorly maintained John Deere tractor driving down the most traveled street in your town screaming SIG HEIL!. I know that's bad, but sometimes you've got to do shit like that to get rid of someone.

Sniffing glue to get through the day!

2005-11-30T16:21:00.000-05:00

Got a case of the mondays? Sanitary Napkin has a solution! No, it's not a blowjob from a crackwhore or drinking a beer out of your bosses daughter's ass. It's officially licensed Sanitary Napkin brand epoxy! The possiblities are limitless! You can glue someones hand to someones ass! You can stick it up your nose and sniff it! The resultant brain damage will make you too stupid to sue us, so be sure to draft your suits prior to sniffing the glue. If you've got an uptight wife, put a little glue on your dangly-doo and then coerce her to have sex. After that, she can NEVER say no to sex again. Think that's a sex crime? Nope! Why not? Because you're married! (note: Vermont residents beware, the same rules don't apply for Civil Unions) Tired of reading about the fun other people are already having? Send $19.95 to:

Sanitary Napkin Adhesives & Sex Toys Divison
1260 West Addison Ave
Intercourse, PA 42069

Pimping.

2005-11-30T16:13:00.000-05:00

I was led to believe that pimpin(g) was not (ain't) easy. I found this very hard to believe. I thought the hardest part would be trying to take themselves seriously dressed the way they were. I decided to try it out or a night, and boy was i wrong. Some highlights of the night:

-I got tired of yelling sentances ending in 'upside your head', and as the night went on my hoe's faces got more and more painful to slap.

-I got my bling caught in a hot dog cooker.

-Somebody called my Ronald McDonnald and i fell off my platform shoes trying to chase the motherfucker down. All i could do was scream 'i'll go upside your head' from the ground as he ran off.

-Lastly, you can only choke a bitch for about 15 seconds before they start dying. This would have been good information to have before.

Bud Light vs. Miller Lite

2005-11-29T21:43:00.000-05:00

So I was leafing through an old magazine (Swimsuit Issue) yesterday and I came across a Miller Light ad that had a series of choices for you to make, Column A vs. Column B type shit, and then at the end, you're supposed to chose Miller Light over Bud Light. Now im willing to hold off on my disgust at Miller Light bashing Bud all the time to just focus on that one ad*. Okay, onto the ad. Most of the lineups in this ad we're just matters of preference, and it has made me think that Miller Lite has gotten this whole concept wrong. Instead of Hamburgers vs. Hot Dogs, they should have Hamburgers vs. Chlamydia. Instead of Vanilla vs. Chocolate, how about Vanilla vs. Necrophilia.
In order to help Miller Lite produce succesful ads in the future, I have compiled a short list for them to build on. (You guys can use those first two as well)
Column A Column B
Kittens vs. Pedophiles
Skiing vs. Terrorism
Sporks vs. Agent Orange
Movies vs. Rape
The Ocean vs. Vomit
Marshmallows vs. Crack
Football vs. Polio
Ferrari vs. Charles Manson
Lobster vs. Birth Defects
Miller Lite vs. Bud Light

Isn't the choice much more clear now?

*(Really quick, Miller doing this is like accepting that "Fuck the other guy, vote for me" is sound advertising).

Holiday Travel Tips from Sanitary Napkin

2005-11-27T15:24:00.000-05:00

Sanitary Napkin is concerned for the wellbeing of our readers (if you're not one of our readers, feel free to die, what do we care?) during this holiday season. We've got a few tips to keep our readers safe (if you're not one of our readers...don't you dare use any of these).

1. During snow storms, be sure to drive as fast as possible. A good equation for what speed to drive is:
50mph + (10 x the number of family members in the car)

You, the driver, represents the minimum speed of 50 mph. Lets say in the car its you, you're wife, and 3 kids. The equation goes:
50 + (10 x 4) > 50 + (40) = 90mph.
If you live in Canada and use Kilometers per hour, good luck. We tried to figure out what a kilometer was but all that happened was we got busted with a trunk full of cocaine.
As far as road conditions, they do not effect the equation. Your traction control should keep you out of the ditch, but it absolutely will not keep you from hitting parked State Police cars on the side of the road, so watch out for that.

2. If you're in an airport, be sure to bitch at the ticket counter attendant as much as possible. As we know, it's their fault your connecting flight is late. So if you yell loud enough, the pilots will: fly full throttle, skip unimportant things like deicing and landing gear use, and plow the aircraft directly into the jetway, thus getting you on faster.

3. Once on the aircraft, to get the flight attendants attention the best way is to stand up and start yelling jibberish while brandishing the plastic knife included with your in flight meal. Charging up the aisle and dropkicking the cockpit door will also get their attention. If you are of Arab descent, combine the two for the best results.

We hope these tips will improve your holiday traveling. If not, they're worth every cent you paid for them.

Happy Holidays

2005-11-22T01:33:00.000-05:00

I know it’s early, but I have trouble restraining myself when this special time of year is upon us. This is the time of year to be thankful for all the shit we don’t have, because, damnit, there’s so many sorry bastards who got it worse than us. That’s right, its suicide season. Now, I know there are plenty of Scrouges out there that want to ruin this time for all of us, but gosh darn it, we wont let them will we!

Wishing you a Happy Suicide Season from all of us as Sanitary Napkin

Gossip

2005-11-09T23:51:00.000-05:00

Man, word sure travels fast.  Who told you?

That Jamie is quite the gossip.

No, you don’t know her, she goes to Essex High.

Ya, she’s pretty cute.  At least Jamie has good taste.

That’s a lie and you know it!  She’ll have her driver’s license long before I go on social security!

Question EVERYTHING

2005-11-09T10:28:00.000-05:00

*U.S. Military refuses to admit to using white phosphorous as a chemical weapon.
*Pro-Life supreme court nominee, Ailto, will shift the supreme court to a mostly right, conservative view.
*Dick Cheney has not been personally reprimanded for the CIA leak.

What is going on here? I believe that we, the Sanitary Napkin bloggers, have nothing more to mock. Political actions have gotten so out of control that I don't know how we can dig up topics to "hate" or make fun of. Since September, the U.S.'s actions have become more dishonest and manipulative. Our country is now it's own weapon of mass destruction.

It's not funny anymore...

go to: Fight to Surivive Blog & DemocracyNow.Org

Women in the military

2005-11-08T12:37:00.000-05:00

http://www.ctie.monash.edu.au/hargrave/hultgreen.html.

I've got only one thing to say to this: If the cockpit was set up like a stove, she'd still be alive.

I bit this from Peter Griffin

2005-11-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

You know what really grinds my gears: these fucking Blind People! Did you know that they don't even have to clean up after their seeing eye dogs? I've seen Daredevil, and I know for a fact that these people have Superhero abilities in their other senses, just because the sight is gone. I've never failed to clean up a friend's feces. So I say, Fuck the Blind! I wish I had a dog and some superpowers.....

John Henry Donner is a Moron

2005-11-01T23:57:00.000-05:00

Today I received one of the oldest and most ridiculous of all internet scams. And it’s not even a real scam, like the ones that try to take your money or hijack your computer. All this thing does is perpetuate itself through the newly online elderly and the clinically retarded. Here is an excerpt from the email:

For every person that you forward this e-mail to, Microsoft will pay you$245.00 For every person that you sent it to that forwards it on, Microsoftwill pay you $243.00 and for every third person that receives it, You willbe paid $241.00. Within two weeks, Microsoft will contact you for youraddress and then send you a check.

It was forwarded to me by one John Henry Donner and the moron is in college, our college. Below is my reply to Mr. Donner.

Dear John Henry Donner,

I would like to inform you that you are not only a retarded piece of shit, but you are an ass hole to boot. There is no excuse for this level of stupidity. If you believe that Bill Gates is going to pay you two hundred dollars for every time you forwarded that message, you should not be in college. You shouldn’t have even passed grade school. You then proceeded to forward said message too random people in the UVM directory. At least the people in your contacts list (if there are any) were foolish enough to make your acquaintance, I made no such error. If you email me again I will nail your freshmen testicles to the freshmen dorms and burn them with a freshmen's clove cigarette.

Yours Truly,

Matt

If you would like to contact Mr. Donner yourself and express your distain for him and his kind (gullible dicks), you can reach him at John.Donner@uvm.edu

Thongs (cont'd.)

2005-10-24T18:55:00.000-05:00

As disgusting as the concept of plus size thongs is, they are actually so practically versatile that I'm amazed that there hasn't been a Macguyver episode about them. Here are some examples in case you have any (preferably new) plus size thongs laying around your room.

-Replacement shoelaces in a pinch. The "floss" segment of the underpants should be more than enough length for both of your shoes, with enough material left over from the front to patch a hole in your jeans, or in your convertible automobile top.

-Hammock. If you are camping or lost in the woods, a plus size thong can provide valuable shelter and protection from predators. You could also tie up your food in a plus size thong and hang it from a tree to deter bears.

-Bears. Often times a plus size thong is the perfect size for a sexy mama bear. Next time you pETA members out there have a date, bring a little present for your forest bride. Oh Yeah.

Now remember everyone, these are just suggestions. Depending on the size of your undergarment, plus size thongs can be used for anything from piano tuning to cattle rustling. Take the information you've learned and get out there! And be creative!

Thongs

2005-10-24T12:48:00.000-05:00

Thongs are a truly wonderful invention. I say this with a qualifying statement. Thongs are a wonderful invention WHEN properly employed. Unfortunately it seems that many females have not been properly briefed on thong employment. Thongs are only contiguous to certain body types. By that i mean that only thin girls should wear them. I'm not trying to be shallow here, this is a safety issue among women. Consider this:

Girl #1: 110 lbs, quite trim without looking emaciated.
Girl #2: 282 lbs, Goodyear blimp figure with a Roseanne Arnold twang.

Girl #1: Her thongs would give even the most macho guy a woody.
Girl #2: Her dad used one of her thongs to tie the tarp on the family boat at the end of the year.

Girl #1: Occasionallyat school when she bends down to access her locker her thongs shows, and there's much rejoicing.
Girl #2: One time while bending over, her thong strap snapped under immense pressure and actually severed the arm of one Jimmy Triam as he recoiled in fear.

Girl #1: Has been known to entertain guys in her sexy underwear, but never goes all the way. Girl #2: Its commonly known that she'll play pelvic pinochle with anybody that will give her a ride home....or 23 bucks.

Ladies, If you fall into the category of Girl #2, please for the love of god wear underwear that covers your whole ass. We're tired of senseless disfigurements because you fat chicks think it'd be "hot" to wrap the equivalent of 8 linear yards of material around your waist.

We talk a lot of smack on Sanitary Napkin

2005-10-20T03:20:00.001-05:00

Now I'm prepared to back it up.

We complain about a lot of stupid shit on this site. But now I think a more meaningful approach is needed. There is a big shitty hole in the internet right now. And sanitary napkin is part of the problem. The big shitty hole in the internet is bloggers. And we need a gaint... ... ... SANITARY NAPKIN. Something that could stop the flow of crap coming out of blogs on a dailiy basis.

We just need to remove the 1st amendment rights of any of following groups:

The Nerdy Blogger: You can alway tell when a nerdy blogger walks in room, the light becomes 5 times as intense by bouncing off the skin of the nerdy bloggger who subsequently still hasnt left his parents basement since finishing his super useful web design degree. Other key features are that these bloggers tend to wear unicorns and dragons painted crapily on black tee-shirts on the weekends, so be on the look out for them in when they are not in their best buy geek shit.

I blame everything on Bush blogger: The anti-bush bloggers are fun because they really are what the republicans say they are. They take all this crap cnn feeds them, and uses it to disprove FOX news' facts which were never true to begin with. And then they turn Bush into some monster lurking in the closet. BUSH = RETARD. you know this, he isnt the mastermind behind anything. He talks to god in his cowboy PJ's before he goes to sleep. The man is president, we know he is shitty. Stop telling everyone who knows this the same shit.
ROVE CHENEY WOLFOWITZ ASHCROFT = trying to kill everyone's babies
but they arent as important as bush, who cant even be in the room with a pretzel anymore.

Liberal media is ruining America blogger: The second you get to this bloggers site you will know it. 9,999 out of 10000 of these bloggers have american flags everywhere. And i bet they have three support our troups stickers on every gas guzzling car they own. These assholes are the worst. They try and make it sound like this mass media conspricy is some how demoralizing our state and stealing the republicans children and making them eat granola in the woods. The only thing these bloggers do is make everyone worse off they can never be right and the fact of the matter is that, all of these bloggers are anti semetic, because they blame the jews for their lack of parenting skills.

Girl who is about to kill herself... everyweek... really... im gonna do it this time blogger: I hate these blogs most of all. Conceeded little girls from rich white conservitive towns, sack up. Take the knife, find your dad's gun, go to the penthouse and just do it already. NO one cares about you. You write all moody and depressed feelings on the internet and then you wonder why people dont like you. You are worthless. I can throw a timex watch off the sears tower and it will be more reliable than you saying that you are going to die this weekend because fuck it. ill kill you, just ask.

Super-duper Smart guy (who probably did all of clinton's thinking for him) and now they are unemployed blogger: These blogger are good. use real facts and probably have a degree in whatever they are writing about. They are few and far between, but that is because Carl Rove keeps eating these peoples souls so that he can stay on earth and wont be sucked into the nether-world. Find these types of blogs, bookmark them, and then never go back.. i mean it. It is a world of suckiness out there.

Pants... who needs them?

2005-10-20T03:20:00.000-05:00

On my last visit to Crawford, Texas I went to go see the presidents private stock of sheep.
Although I had to sneak past the sleeping anti-terrorism unit to get this picture I think it is well worth it to see some of the president's finest long haired goat:

Now some of you may ask why the president would need a long haired sheep but then clearly you wouldnt know that he took a trip to New Zeland after the Lord of the Rings changed his life and he fell in love with Orlando Bloom. But since our president couldnt call him a terrist because hes white it ruined his plan to lock Orlando in the presidential closet. So he had to settle on the sheep, which if you ask me, is pretty close subsitute for either party invovled.

Kung-Fu Cockfights (redux)

2005-10-20T02:00:00.000-05:00

1976 was a great year.
Our cuntry's bicentenial was 1976
Cuba's current constitution was enacted
Apple computers was founded by steve jobs.
Jimmy Carter beat Gerry Ford
And Kung-Fu Cockfighters came out.

Kung-Fu cockfighter is probably one of greatest kung-fu porns of the mid seventies!
It was actually pretty bad but that is why we have the redux version thirty years later.

so enjoy the most horrifying images that await:

Click here to watch, Movie is hosted by Goodie Bag TV

Your welcome
sickos

Poop-O-Scope

2005-10-19T18:41:00.000-05:00

I know im not usually the toilet humor guy, but here goes...
Today I was in the bathroom at the library (Cyber Cafe) and I saw a bit of graffiti on the wall. I always read things I see scrawled on bathroom walls, and this one was more interesting than most. I will try to replicate it as best as I can.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
< Today's Poop-O-Scope >
vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
Green Poop: You Suck!
Red Poop: You're gonna die
Black Poop: You're already Dead.
Orange Poop: You're gonna get Laid
White Poop: You're Gay
Yellow Poop: You like schoolboys

And then underneath, someone had written "What about brown poop?"
I thought to myself "Nobody has brown poop at this college."
In some ways, what I do is alot like scrawling bullshit on a bathroom wall.

To snooze... perchance to dream

2005-10-19T08:28:00.000-05:00

Every night, I idealistically set my alarm for one hour before my class begins, thinking I will wake up, study, eat some oatmeal, and maybe catch up on some blog posts before I have to leave for class. All of this is really important to me. Way more than an extra fifty minutes of sleep, but for some reason, I make a decision to lay in my bed, hitting the snooze button every ten minutes, and waste that valuable first hour of my day. I wake up at 8 50 and make it to class in seconds. I make it inside, panting and yawning, and my teacher has already started. She looks bright and cheery, and clearly doesn't share my hangover. I finally realize the problem! My professors should be drinking on weeknights! If my professors shared the same internal clock as me, they would reschedule their classes for 2 pm and afterward. Since I don't know anything about clocks, I'll just have to start drinking with them on the weeknights. I think everybody posts their phone number on their syllabus, so it shouldn't be too hard. No more downtown scene for me, I'm entering ACADEMIA! Richard Parent, you'd better get your flip cup game up, cause I'm coming for you!

F*$!

2005-10-17T20:10:00.000-05:00

I saw a guy walking down the hall the other day with severe turette's. At first, I felt sorry for him; that it must be hard to live life as a freak. But, now I don't feel bad for him at all. In fact, I envy him. The ability to say whatever he feels he needs to say! What freedom! I can only imagine having the "ability" to piss off everyone around you at all moments. I would finally have the means to go up to my neighbor and tell her exactly how much of a spying, welfared, ho she is (answer: alot). Or what about just bursting into obscenities in the middle of a mind-draining lecture? Or perhaps a mind-bending rant at the Canada border patrol? "Sorry, officer, it's just my turette's speaking". The possibilities are endless.
I'm just mother f*&^ &amp;*#! $%^# excited about the whole &#%* #@% thing!

Apology to the Offended

2005-10-15T16:59:00.000-05:00

When I wrote my previous post I figured it would offend someone, but not because of the heroin bit; I was sure the suicide part would do it. I would like to apologize to those I offended in that I was unable to do so sooner. If I had known that heroin was such a touchy subject I’d have skipped the jokes about wet nurses, kidnapping, molesting retards, kicking rat terriers and male menstruation altogether and just gone straight to heroin.

This is just a taste of what’s to come. Remember though, only the first time’s free.

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mike.
Mike who?
Just open the fucking door, I need a fix!

Idiots shouldn't own cameras.

2005-10-14T20:40:00.000-05:00

I recently attended two concerts in Montreal, Ted Leo & the Pharmacists and the Decemberists. Both shows were fantastic, except for one thing. As it happened, i was standing next to the same jackass at both shows (weeks apart) who did nothing but take pictures of the band for the entire set. Now, i was led to believe that concerts were for music. This boob apparently thought that concerts were for taking pictures. Mind you, taking a few pictures is warranted, but this drone had his girlfriend feeding him fresh batteries and memory cards for his camera as he needed them. With the 1200 pictures he got i'm sure he'll make some very self-congratulatory "artistic" interpretation of the show and the music on his shitty website conveying how the music makes him feel. The only problem is he won't have a fucking clue what the music sounded like because he was too busy being righteous and photographing the band. I could have nailed his girlfriend and he wouldn't have ever noticed. The point i'm trying to convey here is don't be a goddamn douche bag at concerts. Concerts are for rockin out and enjoying music. And jackass photographer, if you happen to be reading this, punch yourself because you deserve it.

Mmm...Gas

2005-10-13T12:46:00.000-05:00

After the Republican win (by a mere two votes) in the House over a bill to produce more refineries, we can only wonder WHY more people aren't on the conservative side of greedy, self-centered, and environmentally careless people. Since the bill only passed 212-210, you should take action NOW in weighing in on the current dictatoring half of our government. Here is a how-to guide for your apologetic, gay, baby-killing liberal ass.

Cartoon taken from The New Yorker online (Image published Jan 20, 2003)

Rush is awesome and everyone else sucks.

2005-10-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

A recent pole has proven a long suspected fact; Rush is awesome and everything else sucks. For those of you not familiar with Rush (http://www.rush.com/php/home.php?f=1), you're included in the dragnet of suck. Sanitary Napkin's public outrage correspondent Harry Q. Johnson has been in the field talking to musicians nationwide to gauge the repercussions of the declaration of Rush's awesomeness.

Keith Richards had this to say: *incoherent rambling, probably about nothing*

Bono of U2 declares: "I gave Steve Jobs a rimjob to get in that iPod commercial, but i'm still better than those non-world saving Canadian lumberjack fuckers."

Right Said Fred: was too busy eating half of a sandwich from the dumpster behind Subway to comment.

Rick James: would have commented but is currently dead.

REO Speedwagon: members were killed in a T-Top Firebird roll-over accident.

Neil Young: Wrote a song in protest with the lyrics "dead dog lying in a ditch, cigarette smoker has an itch, secret whores with ancient vices, Lucky's got the lowest prices" just like every other one of his goddamn songs.

Lastly, when Rush was asked for comment, the only reply was in an 8 minute Neil Peart drum solo, symbolically saying "Canada may suck, but Rush sure don't."

Coping Techniques From Dr. Bill, The Ambidextrous Quadriplegic

2005-10-10T16:25:00.000-05:00

As an ambidextrous quadriplegic I am extremely resentful of all of humanity. I do, however, have a few ways of dealing with this resentment and I would like to share them with you. My condition is unique but I do feel that this can help those with similar afflictions; impotent nymphomaniacs, blind voyeurs, homosexual hermaphrodites and bulimics with no gag reflex come to mind, but the list is endless. These coping techniques have all worked for me, but they might not all work for you, just try them and see which ones are for you.

Murder. Go ahead, try it. It doesn’t even have to be someone you particularly dislike; I find that strangers can be the most satisfying.

Knock on random doors and tell them you ran over their dog. The look on a child’s face when they hear you killed their dog is, well, suffice to say that it will make you want to do it again.

Heroin. Just make sure you mainline it, snorting is alright, but a big part of this particular technique is the immediacy of it, and snorting just doesn’t quite cut it.

Shave a kitten. I’m not positive why, but this does work.

Volunteer at a suicide prevention hotline. There really is nothing better for relieving resentment than telling a sixteen year old pansy that, yes, your mother meant it when she said she hates you. Then staying on the line for the sound of the final hurah.

Racquetball. What can I say, I love racquetball.

Screw someone’s wife. She doesn’t have to be pretty, just married.

Piss in a coffee pot. It can be at work or the waiting room at your mechanic’s, hell it even helps to piss in your own coffee (if you don’t hate yourself I doubt any of these will work for you).

Frame a celebrity. This can backfire if they get off, but the risk is so worth it if you turn on the news and see that you put some cocky ass hole in jail.

I hope that this will help you; I know they have saved my dog from more than a beating or two. If you have any techniques you use I would love to hear them.

Good Luck!

Dressing like in drag never felt so good.

2005-10-10T15:07:00.000-05:00

Halloween: One night when everyone can act out their fantasy, whether it be dressing in drag, as a sluttly Miss Muffet, or a giant condom. Burlington's Halloween festivities have a plethera of amazing costumes. Here are some for the this year's holiday:
Kate Moss (the key here is to cease eating NOW and be sure to smear plenty of cocaine on your face for the special night. Oh, and don't forget to portray her correctly as the pouting ex-Burberry model)
Martha Stewart (this one is similar to the Kate Moss costume, stop eating NOW but instead of blaming it on the coke, blame your lack of appetite on the jail slop they've been feeding you. Don't forget to book an appointment with your hairdresser, PR director, gardner, chef, and tailor the morning of Oct 31st)
Michael Brown, FEMA Director (Just stand there and do nothing)
Lil Kim (Simply don black and white stripped nipple covers and thong)

Parents Can Be So Embarrassing

2005-10-03T21:47:00.000-05:00

Mom, stop please, you're embarrassing me.

I know breast-feeding’s natural, it’s just that, I don’t know. Can’t you go somewhere more private?

It’s your decision, I understand. I’m just asking can you please go somewhere more private. Those kids are staring.

They pick on me, that’s why!

No, please mom, don’t go talk to them. It’ll just make it worse

Can we move to another table; one in the back maybe?

They’re staring, please.

Dad, can you at least not make that slurping sound?

7 Ways to Please Your Man!

2005-10-03T21:11:00.000-05:00

At Sanitary Napkin, we feel that men being pleased should be one of the most important things to women. Afterall, men are constantly living in fear of displeasing their women. We've compiled a list of the top 7 things that would make men happy:

1. A sandwich makes everything better, including adultery.
2. If its "that time of the month", advanced warning prior to any fingers, penises, or tongues getting into the "red zone" (no pun intended) would be much appreciated.
3. Its not that hard to put down the goddamn toilet seat, so if we don't, save us a lot of bitching we probably aren't going to listen to or remember anyway.
4. Anal
5. Dr. Phil is full of shit so don't even start with him.
6. If you didn't want us to pinch your ass you should move faster
7. We know the women's roll isn't just to get men a beer, but if we're asking for one, we probably really need it.

Plastic Surgery

2005-09-30T23:28:00.000-05:00

This message is for anyone who has had any type of cosmetic surgery: Prepare to be outdone. I just spoke with a doctor about having anginaplasty to make my heart shaped more like a heart. Thats right, who else do you know with a real heart shaped heart?I'm also having a window installed so you can see my heart.
I'm gonna look awesome.

Baby, it's cold outside!

2005-09-30T15:18:00.000-05:00

It's almost that time of year...and to get you all pumped, here are some inspirational photos:

I either have gonnorrhea, or superpowers

2005-09-27T11:27:00.000-05:00

So I wake up this morning, and walk to the bathroom to relieve myself. I see a girl in the hallway who is walking back from the shower, and she gives me a rather provocative look as she walks past. Narcissistic as I am, I think, "wow, I must look pretty good first thing in the morning." When I get to the bathroom, I realize this is not the case. Glancing in the mirror, I notice creases from the blankets all over my chest, arms, and stomach. "It's not so bad" I think, "Maybe she thinks I was badly burned, or maybe she thinks im some sort of mutant with gnarly superpowers." I imagine a host of scenarios where I encounter this girl again, and have to demonstrate my superpowers.
Distracted by my newfound skin texture, I had forgotten the task at hand. Just as I begin to pee, THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN, HAPPENS. It burns. Worse than you think. Worse than a boiling water, worse than hot sauce, probably worse than actually being in a fire. This is no ordinary pain. Imagine a scenario where your pee is somehow switched with shards of broken glass, and they all scramble to get out of the exit doors at once. I had to take a break halfway through. I don't know if I was delusional from the pain, or if I really am just a 10 year old kid inside, because all I thought was "Spiderman got sick before he got his Spidey-sense, right?"
Half an hour later, I trudge back into my room and slump down into a chair, exhausted. "What the hell is wrong with you?" My roommate's concern was justified, I looked inches away from death.
"I'm adjusting to my superpowers."

Minesweeper, the unoffical guide

2005-09-27T00:24:00.000-05:00

From the cockles of the Sanitary Napkin archive how to beat MS’s Minesweeper

First select expert difficultly.

Your screen should look like this:

Then click on random squares until you get a big opening:

Then left click on all the ones that are mines,

Then FUCK.

Start over again:

Then FUCK

Then start over again:

Then FUCK:

FUCK. Fuck this game. You can’t win. There is no way to win on expert, and so help me god if one person tells me that they can I will poop on your lawn.
Go to hell. Microsoft will destroy this universe all because of this game, have you seen WarGames, I have! Ill ruin the ending, the computer figures out that there can be ties thus saving the world but in the real world the computer would play mine sweeper and fucking destroy the universe because there is no way to win. Fuck you.
Love StevePerry

which kind of wine are you?

2005-09-25T23:13:00.000-05:00

A lot of people have been asking Sanitary Napkin which we thought was better, bottled wine or boxed wine. Frankly, they'll both get you drunk. But we think each kind is appropriate at different times.

Bottled: A nice fire, a $600k home, a beautiful woman (who only fucks you because you're swimming in money), 2 kids and a nanny to raise them, a minimum of 2 Audis in the garage, and we can't forget your intern who looks just fantastic (spread eagle on your desk resting her head on a picture of your wife).

not you? then consider....

Boxed: Your greasy hair on fire from a cigarette ember, a 17k home that if you hadn't removed the wheels would roll into the river, a woman who's rolls prevent you from fucking her without ambition and some serious digging, 7 kids between the age of 3 and 32, your garage colapsed on your El Camino, and your daughter is beginning to look pretty good for her second pregnancy and upcoming 13th birthday.

which are you?

Responce to the Accusations Against Us

2005-09-23T22:12:00.000-05:00

In the past we here at Sanitary Napkin have been the victims of some wild accusations, but none have been as vicious and outlandish as what has been going around as of late. These attacks are motivated purely by politics and were begun by the organization Wet Nap Consumers for Fact. I am not usualy one to go an ear for an and ear, but I think you should know that they where totally eyeing your sister. She’s what, fifteen? It was disgusting.

I am certain that once you read the following you will see Sanitary Napkin in a new light and we can finaly put this ugly business behind us.

1. The aluminum tubes we sold North Korea where for high tech didgeridoos, not uranium enrichment.
2. If we had known she was retarded we would have approached the situation differently. For this, and this alone, we are sorry.
3. If we had a fortune in Nazi gold do you really think we would spend time on this stupid blog?
4. The accusation that the male members of Sanitary Napkin have massive penises is entirely true. BoardH may have a giant labia but she will neither confirm nor deny it for us, you’ll just have to find out yourself.
5. If god didn’t make rat terriers for kicking then he made them for eating.
6. We do enjoy a good old fashioned poo-toss after hours, but we never have been, and never will be, professional shit-flingers.

Thank you for your time. God bless America!

The Newer, Hipper Hater

2005-09-20T15:38:00.001-05:00

So we all know and despise the obesity epidemic. Most of us dislike homosexuals for fear we may become one someday. We don't want to associate with a retard-there isn't enough patience in the world for that! And we all hate skinheads. Have Americans become so hate-filled we have lost the other aspects of our national identity we used to treasure? Answer: No!
My fear is not that we are hating too much, but we are hating the same, mundane, cliche things. I say, let's look outside of our normal "hated realm of people" and add some new, uglier faces! People we hate now are so used to prejudice, no form of anger is too benign.
So, let's dust off our list of people to kill and add some new categories:

-Frog-Lovers (Frogs have slime and slime is decomposed puss).
-Blue States (just because we were right, doesn't mean we are likable).
-The Toothfairy (she's a fatsy and obsessed with children's teeth. This is border-line child-molestation).

You selfcentered assholes

2005-09-20T01:29:00.000-05:00

I am writing this to send out a quick message to people who think that the world revolves around them. Let me tell you right now you elitest bitch, it doesn't. The world revovles around me. StevePerry. No relation to THE Steve Perry. But nevertheless I am the single most important person in the world. Swear to god, well me actually, I am the busiest person in the world right now, so busy in fact that i dont have time for this post or any asshole who thinks that the world is theres when its mine.
Love StevePerry

Feminine satisfaction for the 21st century

2005-09-18T10:46:00.000-05:00

It was long accepted that the fastest way to a woman's heart was through a romantic dinner followed by a night of cuddling. Sanitary Napkin's crack research and development team has come up with a more effective, low cost replacement to cumbersome dating: The Shocker. The shocker can best be defined: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shocker.

There were many opponents to the implementation of the shocker, not the least of which were the League of Women Voters and the Sisterhood of Womyn. In an address to the viewers of the Lifetime television network, the VP of the League of Women Voters, Veronica Dykemann, is quoted:
"A woman's vagina and anus are sacred. Allowing men to use the shocker would be detrimental to the progress that women have made in getting men to pay for shit. Without dating, how can women hold sex over the heads of males?"

Fortunately, after extensive polling in every demographic across America, Sanitary Napkin was able to ascertain that feminist opinions aren't important.

With the opposition silenced (or maybe they're still talking and we're just not listening, hard to say) praise for the shocker has been rolling in.

Jimmie Yanker of East Sandwich, NH writes: The shocker is great! There was this chick passed out on the ground at a Foreigner concert and i was able to commit both Rape and Sodomy simultaneously! Thanks Sanitary Napkin!

Cletus Cushing of Mobile Bay, AL, shouted at us as from his roof: My sister loved it! Mama did too!

Dave Billings of Denver, CO, via email: I slipped my wife the shocker in bed the other night and I thought she would scream at me but she was completely ok with it....turns out she was dead.

Coming soon from the folks that brought you the shocker: The Spocker. live long and prosper.

Soundtrack for your second-cousin's sister/wife

2005-09-16T17:01:00.000-05:00

Think living in a blue state disqualifies you from the nastiness of the typical American lifestyle? Think again! Here is your commemorative musical mix for 2005:

1. George Bush Doesn't Like Black People-The Legendary K.O.
2. B.O.B-Outkast
3. Holiday in Cambodia-Dead Kennedys
4. We Murderers Baby-Ja Rule
5. Bomb the World-Michael Franti & Spearhead
6. Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of-U2
7. Kids With Guns-The Gorillaz

I'm telling you, it's not like that!

2005-09-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

Officer, I told you already, I just need it for a few hours. I promise I'll take it right back.

No, I don't know whose it is, they all look the same to me.

Exactly, just for the afternoon.

What do you need to know why for? I told you it's important.

If I tell you can I have it back?

If that's how it is, we're done here. There's a hospital across town that I'm sure has more of them than they need. Get your hands off me! Fine, if you must know I'll give it to you straight. There's this rent controlled apartment on the north end of town that I NEED. Need I tell you! My place is barely big enough for my wardrobe and I! Now that I've begun collecting wine I can't be forced to choose between the two. I must have more space, but my father insists I get a job if I want a larger allowance.

Ya, I know, he is such a tight-ass.

I'm getting to it. What's your rush?

As I was saying, if I want a bigger place I need a job. Unless, that is, I can find a larger place for the same rent. This is what I have done, but there's just one problem. Someone else wants it to and she has a distinct advantage, a kid. I can't compete with a single mother!

No, I told you, I'm just borrowing the baby.

Bags for sanitary napkins

2005-09-15T10:44:00.000-05:00

Around here at sanitary napkin we have a problem. Our site is ugly so i thought these pictures would help brighten your day

WARNING

2005-09-15T00:42:00.000-05:00

I hate you and your frat!

2005-09-12T21:11:00.000-05:00

What kind of douche bag would wear a shirt like this? And what kind of asshole are you. How much of a dick are you to think that you or your group of friends are cool enough to think that you better than anyone. Kill your self and save everyone else from the dumb things that come out of your mouth. You should ritualisticaly commit sucicide; all of you. If I was you I would cut off my face and send it to the people who made this shirt. Then crap in your own mouth.

Frats are bullshit. They need to start hazing these kids more now then ever. Kill their chances of adding any other stupid people into the gene pool. Darwinism needs to take effect on these assholes today. They pretend to be an exclusive club, but then invite everyone they know to party at their house so they can charge you for shitty beer. Heres an idea. Drink good beer, spend money on something that is worth it, and dont ever ask me to come to a rush event while I am out smoking my last cigarette because then I cant put it out in your eye like I want to because I am too addicted to stop smoking it. Go to hell, you nazis in training.
Love always,
Steve Perry.

Fatassity is sweeping America!

2005-09-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

Dateline: 1984. In smalltown midwestern America life is simply wonderful. Old people walk the streets with impunity. A high school baseball game goes into extra innings with parents looking on from the beachers. Suddenly Soviet paratroopers begin landing all around. The paratroopers then proceed to work up a #6 on Smalltown, America. For those of you who haven't seen Blazzing Saddles (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071230/), a #6 is defined as:

Where one goes a-ridin' into town, a whampin' and whompin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course, which get the shit raped out of them at the #6 dance later that night.

America's only defenders are Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen. This is formidable defense indeed, in 1984 terms. Sound familiar? Its from the movie Red Dawn (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087985/#comment) and i guess it sucked.

Dateline: 2005. Twenty one years later and America is once again under attack. This time not from the Soviet Union, they decided to spite Ronald Reagan and dissolve. The threat this time is from the epidemic of fat ass people that is waddling across the nation. More and more people are becoming lard assed, cellulite riddled, varicose vein having sacks of crap. At Sanitary Napkin, we're all thin and think fat people are gross. We are sick of people getting stuck in revolving doors because super-sizing is only 39 cents extra. So, we've taken it upon ourselves to solve the problem. Heres what we're going to do:

1. Take away handicapped parking permits for all fat people. Fatness is not a handicap, its your own goddamn fault, fatty.
2. Reduce the width of the doors at McDonalds to 18 inches. And fatass, if you think you can skip going inside and use the drive-thru, think again. Thats right, we installed flame throwers.
3. Take the windows out of the exercise rooms at Weight Watchers. This doesn't help them lose weight....i'm just sick of seeing fat jiggle on a stationary bike.
4. 25 manditory push-ups to recieve delivery pizza. Good fucking luck to if you get deep dish.

If these steps don't alleviate the Rascal scooter-paced invasion of America we're gonna torch the Little Debby factory so fast it'll make fat people's heads spin....if they had necks to spin on.

This is Always Awkward

2005-09-10T20:57:00.000-05:00

It's a beautiful thing, what happened between your mother and I. I didn't expect it to happen; that thing she did with your furby was nothing if not unexpected. But it all happened so fast, then slow, then fast again.

You have to remember though, what happens in the privacy of the upstairs bathroom, on the kitchen counters, under your grandma's urn or on the front porch while your father is away is just that, private. And if you tell anyone, I swear to an ever loving christ, I will debone you faster than a Tori-Das.

Go back to bed, and for godsakes, burn that furby.

Our Wonderful Country

2005-09-08T22:32:00.000-05:00

It's good to be the pres! Rumor has it that GW caught a twelve pounder later that day. (Check out Bush's Timeline)

Okay, now a plug for the ol' RC: Donate to the hurricane relief fund. You'll respect yourself in the morning.

Public Service: A Seemingly Safe Sandwich

2005-09-06T12:34:00.000-05:00

We at Sanitary Napkin are dedicated to enriching the lives of our readers, and that includes keeping you safe. It has recently come to the attention of our one of our esteemed scientists that, through a combination of seemingly normal activities, college students could possibly asphyxiate themselves.
The specific scenario that we are talking about is very dangerous, so don't take this lightly. If you are ever indulging in some late night cartoons and your mouth is dry or cottony, make sure that you respect the potential hazard of any Fluff-r-Nutter sandwiches. The combination of laughter, gasping breaths, and eagerness could be devastating. We know how good they are, and how much you want one more bite to chew on, but is it worth your life? The dose-response curve for Fluff-r-Nutters is very steep, so you must be careful with this dangerous sandwich. The difference between the perfect bite and a lethal dose may be very small with some individuals.
Please use the following guidelines in order to have a safe snack:

1. Start small, and eat within your abilities.
2. Wait at least 15 minutes after you burn. Its rude to eat while you smoke, cause you'll get crumbs on everything.
3. Never, ever eat during Aqua Teen. Wait at least 15 minutes after any episode that you've never seen before, in order to clear any residual spasms.
4. Make sure you have plenty of milk available should somethig go wrong. Cottony saliva and peanut butter can produce a substance so sticky that effects worse than Lockjaw have been observed in our lab. It's been clinically tested as worse than 6 saltines at once, and 75% more absorbant than the packet that comes inside of new sneakers.

If you follow the guidelines, you should have a positive experience with Fluff-r-Nutters. However, irresponsible use can have devestating consequences. So be careful out there, kids.

9/8/05
P.S. -Double Deckers should only be attempted by trained professionals, or total weedheads.

-Patty Duke

aka. The Smurf

aka. Popeye

aka. Jerry Lewis

aka. The Bebop

aka. The Wrench

aka. the 3-Minute Rule

A thought from the can.

2005-09-05T21:42:00.000-05:00

orotherwise knows as
From the person brought you Jagermeister a thought from the public restroom at the mobile across from Dukin Donuts.

So I was thinking about Chief Justice Rehnquist dying and how this could be possibly the fault of the liberals. And while I was squeezing out a wet one, it came to me, the liberals had John Kerry kill Rehnquist because he is pretty much useless anyway now. But you CNN watchers may ask, 'Why the liberals would ever want Rehnquist dead?' so I'll enlighten you if you are too stupid to know. You see at the last Democratic National Convention, Howard Dean became like Darth Vader pre-A New Hope, and is looking for more power, so he figures he'll put a hit out on Rehnquist but John Kerry being a stupid-liberal killed him too early. So now were all fucked. God I hate liberals. And Damn I am afraid of the GOP.

So I was on the computer today...

2005-09-05T18:05:00.000-05:00

So I was on the computer today, and my roommate was watching TV, and he's singing "probably run . . . . probably run . . ." cause the Cops theme song is asking him what the bad boys are gonna do when the cops come for them.

Turns out, he was right.

are you enough of an asshole to drive an Audi? take the test!

2005-09-04T17:33:00.000-05:00

Here at Sanitary Napkin, we've observed that 96% of Audi drivers are complete assholes. To get that last 4% we've created a test to make sure you're really qualified for that new A4 or A6. Afterall, we couldn't live with ourselves if there were people underqualified for their cars. If you bothered to read the previous 3 sentances you've probably already disqualified yourself from Audi ownership, but here's the test anyway:

Q: When in doubt you:
1. Signal, pull over, and wave others by while you work through your dilemma.
2. Stand on the accelerator and let the automatic transmission bear the burden of your righteous impatients.
3. Tighten the screws up on your Massachusetts license plate and weave from lane to lane and jockey ahead 3 car lengths to distance yourself from those in lesser vehicles.

Q: After an evening of hot sex with your wife you:
1. Kiss her on the cheek and spoon for the rest of the night.
2. Suggest that a post-sex sandwich would not be out of order.
3. Take a leak on her side of the bed because its closer than the bathroom.

Q: Your neighbor Bill asks to borrow a hammer, you:
1. loan him the hammer and let him keep it as long as he likes
2. tell him you dont have a hammer becuase you'd rather hire working class men to do work involving hammers.
3. tell Bill that his wife left his fat ass because he's hung like a poodle and he kept using her yeast infection cream as toothpaste.

Q: You go to the bank to withdraw some cash, and the teller tells you there not enough money in the account, you say:
1. my mistake, i'll have to make a transfer.
2. thats impossible, i'm white.
3. could you re-enter my account number using a pen...i think your fat fingers pushed some wrong keys.

Q: Your daughter comes to you crying because she thinks shes ugly, you say:
1. there there sweetie, your absolutely beautiful no matter what anyone says.
2. boys will think you're beautiful if you put out.
3. you must be adpoted from a poor family...that would explain a lot.

Lets see how you did, add the numbers of the answers you chose.
5-8: Get a Volvo, rookie.
9-12: You're qualified for an A4 or A6, but no trendy automatic transmission for you.
13-15: Grab that A8, your wife who you've verbally abused becuase women are only sex objects, and blast down that interstate to your summer home in Cape Cod like you're the only one on the road. Afterall, its ok, you're driving an Audi.

You think you know me?

2005-09-01T14:46:00.000-05:00

You just assumed didn't you? You thought "hey, that’s the guy who sat behind me in women's studies and thought he knew all about us broads." Wrong. I have never been in a women's studies class (although I did once have the urge once to drop out of the air duct during a particularly hot lesbo feminist orgy) and the fact is I know all about dames. My feminine side is so strong I bleed out my ass once a month, wear panties (fur panties), pluck my eyebrows and masturbate to Cool Runnings.

It is you who doesn't understand my plight. So quit whining, suck a fatty's cock and get back in the kitchen.

Do it for the children.

Welcome to Sanitary Napkin

2005-09-01T10:28:00.000-05:00

Here at Sanitary Napkin, we plan to bring you some of the world's most important information. We're not new at this. Some of us have been enriching your lives for hundreds of years now. Our dedicated team of detectives has already brought you :

Lesbianism, Crackers with Cheese in the Middle,Permanent Markers, Unintentionally Sexual Comic Book Covers, Post-it Notes, Ramen Noodles, Old-timey Bicycles, Chess, The Number 40, Boots, Horses, Number 3 Pencils, Communist Russia, the Red Dragon, Opposable Thumbs, "LOL! :)", the Reacharound, Bellybutton Lint, Erectile Dysfunction, Divorces, The Smurfs, Canned Brown Bread, Aviator Sunglasses, Fruit, Orange Soda, Handlebar Mustaches, the English Language, XBOX, Crack Cocaine, and Muttonchops.

Just Wanted to let you know what's coming.

Post Script
And we had sexual relations with your respective maternal figures. AQ