What's the best way to keep the virgin Mary's hymen intact?

Fuck her in the ass.

The True Me

Now that no one is listening I can finaly say what I feel. I love kittens. And puppies. I love long walks on the beach with no anal sex involved.

Don't get me wrong though, I still laugh at crack babies and would never turn down a long walk on the beach with the anal sex, its just that I love puppies too.

I Hate Sanitary Napkin.

A long time ago I discovered something. I was writing my mid-term reflection paper and it occurred to me that I hate blogging and even more so Sanitary Napkin. I don't really know what it is about blogging that I hate. I think it is that is has something to do with stupid people writing stupid things but that might not be the case. I think my haltered for blogging has evolved. No longer am I afraid, I will only use blogger for what it is meant to be used for. Pure evil.

So since I am the only person posting right now. I guess I control the blog. Complete freedom, is sweet, but I have a plan. Systematically eliminating bloggers is my new game. I will review a blogger, delve deep into their life and then rip their very essence out when I finally give bloggers what they deserve. An ass-whoopin' and curb-stompin'.

So with my last few posts of this Very-Sanitary Napkin Christmas, I am going to tear apart the red-headed step-children of this site and end all of their blogging careers.

Steve Perry's Hit List:

• PattyDuke
• Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic
• DW
• BoardH

Look forward to a furry of posts attacking these shallow-crack-heads. They aren't funny, they stopped trying, and now they should have to pay for it. First up: Patty Duke.


P.S.
I know I haven’t been the best poster recently. But I’m busy; being god is hard to do. So forgive me for what I haven't done, I'll make up for it, just watch... Here are my posts: In the order I decided, notice the time stamps.

Patty Duke is The Sucks

To be fair, Patty Duke is the least shitty poster in the bunch of us. But he is still un-doubted "The Sucks". He's a drunken fool who has delusions of grandeur, and worst yet those delusions exist in the "blog-o-sphere". He wishes to be an internet god. How pathetic can one man be? Do you really need attention that much that you need to have a site devoted to your stupid musings about your mediocre life? I hope not, and I pray that you at least some day can grow up and move away from the computerized world, and talk to a live girl.

And when I say a live girl, I don't mean one you paid or your mother. Speaking of which, how is your mother, Patty Duke. Last time I saw her she was eating doughnuts off your father's hairy back while penetrating his anus with a strap-on dildo. The situation would have been a lot crazier had it not been for the tri-pod, luckily we captured it all on film, and yes she still does enjoy anal as well, but she could stop eating doughnuts for a while.

But, your mother aside, Patty Duke, how can you stand to live? You try to make fun of our readers, and this may come as a surprise to you, but you read the site, probably more than anyone else. You are the reader that doesn't get it. We aren't "spiting out random misogynist, racist, ignorant garbage (think "cuntpit")", maybe you are, but that is why you aren't funny. Your satire vaguely makes me recall a little thing called the Holocaust. And your use of obscenity is like similar to Ol' Dirty Bastard's but only after he was raped in prison and had false teeth. Over all, if I had the choice, I would end your reign as the current "The Sucks" but only to take joy in gutting your entire extended family and bring an end to the pain that you have caused by your general lack of ability at life.

"BoardH Breaks the Glass Ceiling" lmao

For a girl to write for Sanitary Napkin is like a Jew for Jesus, wait they have those, well we have a girl too. So I guess it makes sense because they both work in practice. But to be honest, I don't like "Jews for Jesus" and I bet Jews don't like Jesus” and I bet all the parties involved, including the "Jews for Jesus" hate BoardH. As Sanitary Napkin's only female posters, it wasn't long before she would have an emotional break down. At first, the ranks of Sanitary Napkin's minions hated her as well and times were good.
But then the end of those times came when BoardH posted a picture of herself. She woo-ed our minions who were freshly trained in the art of misogyny but had any of those readers actually spent a night with a girl they would have seen through her lies. Needless to say, I had to kill most the minions for their disobedience, but the ones that remained were transformed into eunuch to purify their minds. I don't know what happened to that group of minions but we got new readers, better readers. Wait. No we didn't
And it all BoardH's fault. There are two clear time periods: BG (Before Girl) and AG (Anno Girlie-o) which translates into the year of the girlie-o. The readers we want won't believe that we think all abortions should be done with coat hangers if the next post down is like this direct quote from "B-O"ardH, "Like, like, I totally, like went to the mall and they didn't have my size at Sears so I ate three candles and they totally were like that isn't food, and I was like duh. I know that. I couldn't be anorexic if I ate food. OMG lmao lololo(teh)loller skates !!!1!1eleventy..." It goes on, but the sheer mind numbing awfulness of it all has me concerned that if I accidentally read one of her posts I may become susceptible to aneurysms and have to carve the demons out of skull.
But really, I don't hate BoardH because she is a girl (girls are stupid BTW). I hate BoardH because she is bad at Napkining. She has no place here. Her last two posts had grand total of 23 words in them. I'm not saying minimalism can't be funny, but linking to a New Yorker cartoon is the definition of shitty. First off,’ The New Yorker, ah yes. The New Yorker' sucks. And the cartoons they print make Christian-value-based "Family Circus" look like Bob Saget's stand up post the 5 year drug binge caused by Full House.
The point is. BoardH just doesn't belong on Sanitary Napkin. If humor were like cancer, BoardH would be fresh out of chemo. There is probably something left, but not enough for anyone to care about. Her posts only drove away fledgling recruits that I could have used to build my army to spread havoc through out the land. But no, females get to have some basic human rights in this country so here is an idea for you, BoardH, go out to the woods, cover yourself in honey and then find a bear cub to play with. The mother-bear should do the rest. But I have to go; the idea of her mauling reminded me that I need to get those hostages out of the cave.

Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic and DW have butt sex

There is one thing I hate more than stupid people like Patty Duke, or girls like BoardH, and it is a man who puts his wanger in another man hanger. Now as a rule, I don't normally expose my homophobia to public but what I witnessed ruined my perception of man-kind, and the majority of my group. I wish I could forget that night but since then it has hunted me and every time I close my eyes I realize that the rusty trombone is a very real thing.
One late night at the Casa-De-La Napkin-o I was hard at work perfecting a post... I guess you could say I fell asleep after the Chinese buffet lunch, and didn't wake up to leave at five, but over time is overtime and it was 7:15. I was heading to clock out but went back into the office to check out all the noise coming from inside. From where I was walking I could see two figures inside. Now, I don't want to say anything that I'm not sure of so I will take a cue from Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic and post this poll:

If by this point you can't figure out what I saw, search lemon party in google and find out. I don't link to site itself, it would just be obscene. Anywho, I saw what I saw. And DW and Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic have serious emotional issues. I mean you just don't do some things with honey roasted peanuts.
Now, had I left work early like I normally do, I would not be writing this. But what I saw, changed my world. I support George W. Bush. I vote pro-life. I kill the food I eat. I sell propane and propane accessories on the side (Sanitary Napkin doesn't pay bills). And I am against gay marriage because I am not a tolerant or rational human being. Seeing those two chunks of day-glo-white flabby flesh slapping against each other in a moment in unison of thrusting motions made me die a little on the inside. I saw the gates of hell, and contained behind them was something more awful than the sight before me. Hell was our blog, but it was run by ambiguously gay duo of Ambidextarious Quadrapalegic and DW, and to say anything more could be too much to handle.

I am the best

I rule!

No seriously, I am the man. The world revolves around me. But that is a problem you see? Because I post on this blog and for that I am a huge douche. I know it is somewhat contradictory, but seriously you can't be cool if you have a blog. Look at Maddox, he kind of had a blog, but now he doesn't care. He is writing a book, a real medium. Blogs are for failed writers who need to feel some more self-important so that they don't actually man up and kill themselves for having wasted lives.
But I digress. If there was a vote for worst poster on Sanitary Napkin, I should probably win it. Don't get me wrong, I am still way better than all the other posters. They just tried way harder than me. I mean honestly, who cares what they have to say. The sad thing is that they had time for blogging. I did not. This is clearly why they are not people. People who can find the free time to write their random thoughts down should be shot on sight and their bodies should be thrown in a mass-genocidal rage ending blogs.
As a final note, the irony of it all is too much to bear. I can no longer go on writing on a blog about how god-awful blogs are. They are not good. They are hurting America, and the only way to stop them is REVOLTION! Many will die, yes, but the freedom to think for yourself would be given to millions of idiots that read the shit that spews from the "blog-o-sphere" everyday. Here is a clue for them, just because it is written, doesn't mean it is true. Fuck it. I'm going to kill my self. People are too dumb. But I'm pretty fucking sweet still.


Hemingway here I come...

NyQuil

rrrnhhhh.....

I'm way wy too drunk to post nyhitng cool, so here goes
"Hey look, your ramen noodles comes with a free bunch of hair."
-My roommate
"Hey, you ever watch two angry beavers?"
-Same roommate

Poetry

Although Sanitary Napkin has been pillar of the literary community, I believe we have been neglecting something, poetry.  With that in mind I post a poem I wrote for Deviant Brewery advertising their new IPA, I Prefer Anal.

If she
Takes a swig
And your Twig
Ain’t too big
She might let you stick it
Where Mexicans keep their cocaine

Semester is over.

After 14 weeks of blogposts that have upset, saddened, and infuriated me, the semester is finally over. What happened on this blog is not okay, and the students who participated in the misogonistic posts should be ashamed of themselves. In an academic setting, I would hope that people would have more respect. Unfortunately, this is not how it's turned out. I'm disappointed, but not discouraged.

Duck and cover, boys.

Winter

Thank God for The New Yorker cartoonists.

Link

Christmas

This may be the best representation of holiday spirit I have ever seen!

Quote of the year

Two quotes from our beloved Capital Hill couples...

"You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —President Bush, to a divorced mother of three in Omaha, Nebraska

"What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them." —Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the Hurricane Katrina evacuees at the Astrodome in Houston

For more inspiring quotes go to About.com

After a whole semester, you still don't get it.

This is the last time I'm explaining this. Here at Sanitary Napkin, we're a bunch of dicks! We just spit out random mysoginist, racist, ignorant garbage(think "cuntpit") that we think of while we're waiting for streaming porno to load. If you don't like it, go to a fucking news blog. Nothing here is intented to start or stop any wars. We're gonna change the world by making a few drunk frat guys die of laughter (not alcohol poisoning, I had no idea that they were funneling liquor, and my lawyer says there's no way you can prove that.) With that in mind, please stop leaving comments about how we used improper grammer in our posts, or about how you think we're racist, mysoginist, or ignorant. We know that we are the things you said we are. Just leave a post saying "I'm offended" and stop wasting space on my baby. But please leave that post, because everytime one of you gets offended, I grow a little inside of my gonnorrhea infected member.

And PS, I will continue to post after the semester ends. Sanitary Napkin Forever!