What's the best way to keep the virgin Mary's hymen intact?

Fuck her in the ass.

The True Me

Now that no one is listening I can finaly say what I feel. I love kittens. And puppies. I love long walks on the beach with no anal sex involved.

Don't get me wrong though, I still laugh at crack babies and would never turn down a long walk on the beach with the anal sex, its just that I love puppies too.

NyQuil

Poetry

Although Sanitary Napkin has been pillar of the literary community, I believe we have been neglecting something, poetry.  With that in mind I post a poem I wrote for Deviant Brewery advertising their new IPA, I Prefer Anal.

If she
Takes a swig
And your Twig
Ain’t too big
She might let you stick it
Where Mexicans keep their cocaine

Liquor Store Prophet

While filling out a raffle ticket for a kayak he asked, “Is it the lie we commit or the lie that commits us?”

I was deep in thought, considering swapping a Long Trail Double Bag bomber for a second Trail Cutter, “Huh?”

“Must I put Red Hook as my favorite beer if I am to win the glorious prize? To tell the lie the truth asks us to commit, can it be done?”

The raffle tickets asked for your favorite beer but it was sponsored by Red Hook. “I sure as hell hope they don’t throw your ticket out if you don’t like Red Hook.”

“But if it is the lie requested then it is the truth indeed.” He rummaged through his bag then looked up at me as if I had taken something.

“Write whatever you want, you’re probably not going to win anyway.”

“Ah, but…” he neatly wrote in his favorite beer then triumphantly showed me his ticket, he wrote ‘Imported Beer’.

“Dude, that doesn’t solve anything, Red Hook’s domestic.”

He ripped the box when he shoved his ticket in. “The Old Testament tells us, make a place outside of God and government, do this for freedom.” I furrowed my brow. “A place, for freedom, in yourself.”

I gave him a look that tried to say “Sure, ya, I follow. Now leave me alone.”

“They used to teach the Old Testament and call you educated, now, now.” He shook his head the rest of the time we were in line and refused to look at me, which was fine by me.

Happy Holidays

I know it’s early, but I have trouble restraining myself when this special time of year is upon us.  This is the time of year to be thankful for all the shit we don’t have, because, damnit, there’s so many sorry bastards who got it worse than us.  That’s right, its suicide season.  Now, I know there are plenty of Scrouges out there that want to ruin this time for all of us, but gosh darn it, we wont let them will we!

Wishing you a Happy Suicide Season from all of us as Sanitary Napkin

Gossip

Man, word sure travels fast.  Who told you?

That Jamie is quite the gossip.

No, you don’t know her, she goes to Essex High.

Ya, she’s pretty cute.  At least Jamie has good taste.

That’s a lie and you know it!  She’ll have her driver’s license long before I go on social security!