Apology to the Offended

When I wrote my previous post I figured it would offend someone, but not because of the heroin bit; I was sure the suicide part would do it. I would like to apologize to those I offended in that I was unable to do so sooner. If I had known that heroin was such a touchy subject I’d have skipped the jokes about wet nurses, kidnapping, molesting retards, kicking rat terriers and male menstruation altogether and just gone straight to heroin.

This is just a taste of what’s to come. Remember though, only the first time’s free.


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mike.
Mike who?
Just open the fucking door, I need a fix!

Coping Techniques From Dr. Bill, The Ambidextrous Quadriplegic

As an ambidextrous quadriplegic I am extremely resentful of all of humanity. I do, however, have a few ways of dealing with this resentment and I would like to share them with you. My condition is unique but I do feel that this can help those with similar afflictions; impotent nymphomaniacs, blind voyeurs, homosexual hermaphrodites and bulimics with no gag reflex come to mind, but the list is endless. These coping techniques have all worked for me, but they might not all work for you, just try them and see which ones are for you.

• Murder. Go ahead, try it. It doesn’t even have to be someone you particularly dislike; I find that strangers can be the most satisfying.


• Knock on random doors and tell them you ran over their dog. The look on a child’s face when they hear you killed their dog is, well, suffice to say that it will make you want to do it again.


• Heroin. Just make sure you mainline it, snorting is alright, but a big part of this particular technique is the immediacy of it, and snorting just doesn’t quite cut it.


• Shave a kitten. I’m not positive why, but this does work.


• Volunteer at a suicide prevention hotline. There really is nothing better for relieving resentment than telling a sixteen year old pansy that, yes, your mother meant it when she said she hates you. Then staying on the line for the sound of the final hurah.
  


• Racquetball. What can I say, I love racquetball.


• Screw someone’s wife. She doesn’t have to be pretty, just married.


• Piss in a coffee pot. It can be at work or the waiting room at your mechanic’s, hell it even helps to piss in your own coffee (if you don’t hate yourself I doubt any of these will work for you).


• Frame a celebrity. This can backfire if they get off, but the risk is so worth it if you turn on the news and see that you put some cocky ass hole in jail.

I hope that this will help you; I know they have saved my dog from more than a beating or two. If you have any techniques you use I would love to hear them.

Good Luck!

Parents Can Be So Embarrassing

Mom, stop please, you're embarrassing me.

I know breast-feeding’s natural, it’s just that, I don’t know. Can’t you go somewhere more private?

It’s your decision, I understand. I’m just asking can you please go somewhere more private. Those kids are staring.

They pick on me, that’s why!

No, please mom, don’t go talk to them. It’ll just make it worse

Can we move to another table; one in the back maybe?

They’re staring, please.

Dad, can you at least not make that slurping sound?