Responce to the Accusations Against Us

In the past we here at Sanitary Napkin have been the victims of some wild accusations, but none have been as vicious and outlandish as what has been going around as of late. These attacks are motivated purely by politics and were begun by the organization Wet Nap Consumers for Fact. I am not usualy one to go an ear for an and ear, but I think you should know that they where totally eyeing your sister. She’s what, fifteen? It was disgusting.

I am certain that once you read the following you will see Sanitary Napkin in a new light and we can finaly put this ugly business behind us.

1. The aluminum tubes we sold North Korea where for high tech didgeridoos, not uranium enrichment.
2. If we had known she was retarded we would have approached the situation differently. For this, and this alone, we are sorry.
3. If we had a fortune in Nazi gold do you really think we would spend time on this stupid blog?
4. The accusation that the male members of Sanitary Napkin have massive penises is entirely true. BoardH may have a giant labia but she will neither confirm nor deny it for us, you’ll just have to find out yourself.
5. If god didn’t make rat terriers for kicking then he made them for eating.
6. We do enjoy a good old fashioned poo-toss after hours, but we never have been, and never will be, professional shit-flingers.

Thank you for your time. God bless America!

I'm telling you, it's not like that!

Officer, I told you already, I just need it for a few hours. I promise I'll take it right back.

No, I don't know whose it is, they all look the same to me.

Exactly, just for the afternoon.

What do you need to know why for? I told you it's important.

If I tell you can I have it back?

If that's how it is, we're done here. There's a hospital across town that I'm sure has more of them than they need. Get your hands off me! Fine, if you must know I'll give it to you straight. There's this rent controlled apartment on the north end of town that I NEED. Need I tell you! My place is barely big enough for my wardrobe and I! Now that I've begun collecting wine I can't be forced to choose between the two. I must have more space, but my father insists I get a job if I want a larger allowance.

Ya, I know, he is such a tight-ass.

I'm getting to it. What's your rush?

As I was saying, if I want a bigger place I need a job. Unless, that is, I can find a larger place for the same rent. This is what I have done, but there's just one problem. Someone else wants it to and she has a distinct advantage, a kid. I can't compete with a single mother!

No, I told you, I'm just borrowing the baby.

WARNING

This is Always Awkward

It's a beautiful thing, what happened between your mother and I. I didn't expect it to happen; that thing she did with your furby was nothing if not unexpected. But it all happened so fast, then slow, then fast again.

You have to remember though, what happens in the privacy of the upstairs bathroom, on the kitchen counters, under your grandma's urn or on the front porch while your father is away is just that, private. And if you tell anyone, I swear to an ever loving christ, I will debone you faster than a Tori-Das.

Go back to bed, and for godsakes, burn that furby.

You think you know me?

You just assumed didn't you? You thought "hey, that’s the guy who sat behind me in women's studies and thought he knew all about us broads." Wrong. I have never been in a women's studies class (although I did once have the urge once to drop out of the air duct during a particularly hot lesbo feminist orgy) and the fact is I know all about dames. My feminine side is so strong I bleed out my ass once a month, wear panties (fur panties), pluck my eyebrows and masturbate to Cool Runnings.

It is you who doesn't understand my plight. So quit whining, suck a fatty's cock and get back in the kitchen.

Do it for the children.